Quick Thinking at Barnes and Noble

Last night Joshua and I played in the Erie Chess Club’s Speed Chess Tournament, which was held at Barnes and Noble.

Most people don’t associate speed and chess, but speed chess is a way to make chess fast and exciting. The rules are a bit different from regular chess:

1. There is a two faced chess clock. Each player has 5 minutes. Some crazy people play even faster, like this. After you move, you push the button on your clock. That starts your opponent’s clock. Unlike regular tournament chess, there is not a touch move rule.

2. You win if you checkmate your opponent, if he resigns, or if he runs out of time and you notice.

3. You lose if you get checkmated, or if you run out of time and he notices.

4. It is a draw if you repeat the same position 3 times, or if there is a stalemate, or if one player runs out of time but the other player doesn’t have enough material to win, or if both sides run out of time before either one notices.

At this speed, psychology is important. If you are losing, you want to keep the game complicated, because your opponent can easily blunder, or he can run out of time if he thinks too long. (Yes, you do actually get to think even in a 5 minute game.) If you are winning you need a position where you can win quickly. Playing offbeat openings that you know well (like my favorite - the King’s Gambit) is a good way to lead your opponents into traps that they would see through at normal speed, or just to make him think too long. And the odd move with no obvious purpose is also good.

Joshua won 5 of his 8 games in the lower section, which had players up to about 1700 USCF. I scored 2 wins, 3 draws, and 3 losses in the higher-rated section. This was pretty good for both of us, since I have not played in a tournament for about 15 years.

Tattoo Branding - Ouch - Banned in Erie County

If I were a Libertarian, I might be concerned about my rights being taken away.    

 

 

 

HEALTH DEPARTMENT BANS TATTOO BRANDING

Tattoo artists in Erie County are no longer permitted to heat pieces of metal and use them to make third-degree burns in their clients’ skin.

The process is called branding, and it’s done at tattoo establishments across the U.S.

But not in Erie County, at least for now.    

Since I had never heard of tattoo branding until this week, I am not concerned about this government regulation.  I am not even concerned about the slippery slope that it might lead to.  You know, something like this:

First they came for the tattoo artists, but I didn’t like tattoos, so I stood by and did nothing.  Then they came for the smokers, but I didn’t smoke, and smoking is a stinky habit anyhow, so I did nothing.  Then they closed the bars, but I didn’t drink too much, so I just shrugged my shoulders.  And then they came for my Krispy Kremes, but by then, there was no one left to stand up for my vice. 

However, the idea of getting a tattoo branded on cannot go without comment.

DOESN’T EVERYONE KNOW THAT BRANDING HURTS A LOT, AND IT IS WHAT THEY DO TO COWS!!!

BTW, THEY USED TO DO IT TO SLAVES TOO!!!

WHEN YOU GET BRANDED THAT IS A SIGN THAT YOU ARE OWNED!!!

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let me suggest something.  To quote Bob Dylan:

“You’re gonna have to serve somebody, yeah you are, you’re gonna have to serve somebody… Now it may be the devil, or it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.” 

Symbolically, it seems that there will be a mark on you that shows who are or what you serve.  Hence, cows get branded, married couples exchange rings, and in the Book of Revelation, people receive the mark of the Beast on their hand or on their forehead.  But God’s people also receive a mark on their forehead, which is baptism.  (This is less painful than the mark that baptism replaced, though unfortunately it is nearly as easy to hide.)

Americans like to be individualists, and we like to think of ourselves as belonging to no one.  But that illusion can’t last very long if we think about it.  Once the illusion breaks down, we try to fill in the self-imposed vacuum with something.

Could some of the more extreme forms of “exterior decorating,” such as tattoo branding, be a result of people failing to recognize who they belong to, and trying to “cover up” their nakedness with all sorts of marks? 

When Elections Get Ugly

As the field of candidates was whittled down, our family became increasingly dissatisfied with the system.

The people we liked all seemed to drop out too early.

We all agreed that one of the candidates seemed to be a girly-man.  It was something about his hair.

Another one was way too inexperienced to be ready for the top spot, and we were surprised how far his youth, minority status, smooth voice, and good looks got him.

As the battle continued, we despaired, and were amazed at the stupidity of the American electorate, who seem to reject the gifted and advance talentless hacks.

As the field narrowed, it became clear that either the African American or the woman had to go. The choice was made.

And we wondered to ourselves:

WHY THE HECK IS JASON STILL ON AMERICAN IDOL !!!

When a Bargain Isn’t A Bargain

Sometimes a bargain isn’t really a bargain.  We all know, for example, that if you are going off to fight a dragon, you do not want to get your sword and armor at Wal-Mart.  Cheap armor can cost you an arm and a leg, and that’s if you’re lucky.  You want one of those fancy swords that turns blue in the presence of Orcs, and you want the best armor that can be found, even if it was made by people who live underground and have wives with beards.

Here are a few more bargains that you should be very careful about:

1.  TATTOOS 20% Off.

A local tattoo parlor had coupons for 20% of of your first tattoo.  Now, I think that permanent tattoos are a pretty dumb idea anyhow.  (With henna tattoos, there are no lifelong regrets.)  Before you get one, you should ask yourself a few simple questions.  Will I want this on my body when I am 70, and it is faded and I am wrinkled?  Will my future fiance’s father/future boss think this is as cool as I think it is right now?  Questions like these are a great preventative to youthful stupidity.

But taking 20% off of a tattoo can be really bad.  For example, suppose you are a guy and you want a tattoo that says:

I LOVE DONNA

If you take 20 % off, it will say:

I LOVE DON

This will be sending the wrong message and get you into all sorts of trouble.

2.  NO FAULT DIVORCE - $195.00

In a certain part of the classifieds, located ironically near the parents seeking to adopt and people thanking a saint for an answer to prayer. you will see attorneys offering their services.  They seem to be having a reverse auction when it comes to divorces.  But how can a divorce be a bargain, even at $195.00? 

And who would want a divorce if there was no fault involved?  In a highly scientific survey, 82% of divorcees said that the other spouse was primarily to blame for the divorce.  So it looks like there’s usually plenty of blame to go around.

A divorce is rather like an amputation.  If you really need a divorce, you should pick your lawyer with about the same care as you would pick a surgeon.

3.  TEEN CLOTHING - 50% OFF

One of the department stores had the following ad for young ladies’ apparel, at 50% off.

Judging from the pictures, they weren’t kidding.  

Ramblings About Getting Old (Before I Forget)

Today is my birthday.  Before I forget, I should write something about getting old.

I won’t tell you how old I am, but I will give you a hint.  By some forms of twisted logic, I should get twice as drunk tonight as I did on my 21st birthday, the first night that I could legally drink in the USA.  

For my youngest known readers, I offer the following reflections about life in the old days.

When I was your age:

1.  There were only 3 channels on the TV, and you had to get up off the sofa and walk all the way across the living room to change the channels.

2.  If you wanted to play “Space Invaders” on your home computer, you had to type in the BASIC code yourself, on the keyboard which was part of the computer, not a separate attachment.  Then you had to load the software using your Cassette Drive, which took even longer than booting up Windows. 

But you were really happy when the new version of the computer came out and it had 48 Kilobytes of RAM.

3.  All that stuff you are reading about at the end of the US history book was really happening.  Speaking of this, I was listening to a teenager who had strong political opinions.  He was telling me that Jimmy Carter wasn’t such a bad President.  I gently reminded him which of us was alive when Jimmy Carter was president.

4.  Michael Jackson was black, and male.

Three Earth Day Thoughts

Since today is Earth Day, I need to go against my reputation as an anti-environmentalist tree-killer, and make some suggestions for how you can slightly improve your corner of the planet. 

These suggestions are painless and will not have any harmful effects, such as raising the price of tortillas in Mexico, or encouraging people to cut down the rain forests in order to grow corn for ethanol.  However, since they don’t involve asking other people to suffer, practicing these suggestions might not give you that hot self-righteous feeling that crusaders everywhere seek.

1.  Re-thinking Halloween Pumpkins

Americans use enough pumpkins at Halloween to feed the entire countries of South Africa, Botswana, and Zimbabwe for a year.  (And Nikita testifies that they all like their pumpkins.)  In fact, if they ate all the pumpkins that we wasted, their skin would turn orange.  Just think about the amount of land, fertilizer, and fuel wasted on Halloween.  

If you are planning your garden now you can do something.  Instead of planting useless Jack-o-Lanterns, plant yummy pie pumpkins or winter squash.  “Make up” the squash instead of carving it, and then you will be able to eat it later. If you buy your halloween pumpkins, remember this in six months, and buy something edible instead.

Incidentally, winter squash can be stored for long periods of time without refrigeration, which means that they are environmentally friendly vegetables.

2.  Get and Stay Married

There are obvious efficiencies when two people live together.  For one thing, the thermostat can be set lower when you are both under the same blanket.  Divorce, in addition to wasting countless resources on lawyers, is horrendous for the environment.  I don’t know why environmentalists haven’t noticed this.

When the parents are separated, there is the additional resource drain of keeping two households.  The households both have to be the part-time homes for the kids, so they are both larger than necessary, and there are two households to heat.  Additionally, there are the costs of shared custody, which usually involves wasting gas as the kids are shuttled around.

3.  Have one Parent stay home with the kids

I know this is heresy in our age of women’s liberation, but if one of the parents stays home with the kids, it is advantageous for the environment. 

A stay-at home mom is much more likely to cook from scratch and avoid processed food.  Therefore less garbage will be generated.  For example, every loaf of bread you make at home does not have a paper or plastic wrapper.  There will be fewer meals out, and most likely there will be less driving.  Homeschooling is even more efficient, because it gets the stinky school bus out of the picture.

 

Vote Cthulhu For President on Tuesday

By now, you all are probably sick of the Pennsylvania Presidential Primary.

You have gotten tired of tracking Bill Clinton’s whereabouts, so that you could keep your daughters at least 10 miles away. You have heard Obama say “Yes, We Can” so many times that you just want to say “But What if We Don’t Want To?” You have avoided the roads where Teddy Kennedy might be traveling to campaign for Obama. You watched Hillary toss down a shot and a beer, and you wished there was a mickey in it. You have received 10 calls from the candidates each day, and you can’t even watch “American Idol” without being inundated by the same ads.

You may have concluded that there is not a dimes’ worth of difference between the candidates, and you would be right.

Well, here is your chance to make a difference.

This Tuesday, vote CTHULHU FOR PRESIDENT.

WHY SETTLE FOR THE LESSER EVIL

[For those of you who are not horror story nerds, Cthulhu is a fictional creation of H. P. Lovecraft. You can read more about Cthulhu here. One girl who read "The Call of Cthulhu" reported that she was "afraid to go into the basement for weeks" after reading this. I have not read it, but apparently compared to Cthulhu, Dracula is about as scary as the Easter Bunny.]

Bishop Trautman is Right About Mercyhurst

In the Erie Times-News, today’s Friday Forum Op-Ed contains a whine from Christopher DeSante about Bishop Trautman’s disapproval of the pro-Clinton rally at Mercyhurst.   Mr. DeSante complains that the pro-life issue should not be the only issue that Catholics are concerned with, and he also bemoans the closed-mindedness of the bishop in not allowing alternative viewpoints on campus.  In addition to the Op-Ed, the letters to the editor are running heavily against the Bishop.

As a staunch Protestant, I have to agree with Bishop Trautman.  This is rare for me, so I also have to explain myself.

First of all, the idea that this is about offering “alternative points of view” is a smokescreen.  This was not a speech by a political leader about some policy:  This was a campaign rally.  It was not primarily an educational opportunity for the students.  Primarily, it was about the candidate.  A Ph. D. candidate like Mr. DeSante should be able to make this distinction.

Mr. DeSante thinks that Catholic schools should be open to alternative points of view.  Let us grant that this is a good thing.  It does not follow that people get to present “alternative points of view” with an an open microphone and no questioning.  It would have been interesting to allow Hillary Clinton to come to Mercyhurst, with the understanding that the conversation would be in two directions, and she should expect spirited questioning of her pro-abortion position.  New Saint Andrews College in Moscow, Idaho is a classically Protestant school that follows this approach.  They invite all sorts of speakers, including atheists and white supremacists, to speak at their campus.  However, this invitation often happens in the form of a debate, so that “alternative views” receive the challenge they often deserve. 

Mr. DeSante also minimizes the importance of abortion to Christian teaching.  I agree that abortion should not be the only issue that Christians vote on, but it should be a minimum condition for judging the sanity of a candidate.  For example, partial birth abortion  (note:this link shows step by step drawings, but not photos, of a partial birth abortion) involves partially delivering an unborn baby who might be able to survive outside the womb, then poking a scissors into its skull, then vacuuming out its brains so the skull can be crushed and the dead baby delivered.  Any aspiring politician who understands what this is about, and thinks this is OK, is obviously either insane or evil.  If they think it’s OK to do that to a baby, do you really believe them when they claim to want to help the poor? 

No Christian should vote for such a person, period.  If there is no reasonable alternative, write someone in.

A pro-life position is essential to Christianity and was present from the beginning.  Even back in the first century, the Romans had the practice of exposing unwanted infants to die.  (They were just a bit ahead of the Democratic candidates: they favored retro-active abortion.)  Early Christians were known for finding these infants, rescuing them, adopting them, baptizing them, and raising them as Christians.  This is one reason paganism died out. 

When it comes to the abortion issue, Hillary and Obama are clearly on the side of the Romans.  Obama even refused to vote against a measure that would have guaranteed that infants born alive would receive medical care.  He was more pro-abortion than the National Abortion Rights Action League on that point.  He went beyond being pro-abortion to being pro-infanticide.  Additionally, many pro-abortion politicians do not want to allow Catholic hospitals to have the choice of whether or not to do abortions, and they frequently want to force medical students to do abortions as part of their training.  “Pro-choice” only works in one direction for them. 

It is entirely proper for the Bishop to rebuke Mercyhurst for promoting a candidate whose views are anti-Catholic.

Now the Bishop should consider another problem:  Why would Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama think that the Mercyhurst College campus would be a particularly friendly place to have a rally?  Why should a pro-abortion candidate expect to have a nice photo opportunity, instead of a some serious controversy, at a Catholic college?  Where has Catholic education failed?

Bread and Lentils - Yum

Diogenes the Cynic was enjoying a meal of bread and lentils when he was visited by another Greek philosopher.  The other philosopher made a handsome living by flattering the local king.

“Diogenes,” said the other, “If you would only learn to flatter the king, you would not have to live on bread and lentils.”

“If you would only learn to live on bread and lentils,” answered Diogenes, “You would not have to flatter the king.”

Odds and Ends

1. Anna is reading “Death of a Salesman” for her high school literature class. She hates this book almost as much as her dad did 25 years ago. In fact, she wishes the salesman could have died in the first act, and saved her the trouble of reading the rest of the play.

As a tragedy, it ranks right up there with “Death of a Telemarketer Who Calls You at Mealtime”, “Death of an Internet Spammer”, or perhaps “Death of an African Dictator.”

(I must add that if this had been an actual salesman, and not a fictional one invented by a leftist playwright who does not have enough talent to be on a reading list with Hamlet, that Anna would have compassion for the poor guy.)

We have told her that if she reads Anna Karenina, she will be cheering for the train.

2. Christopher has reached some sort of developmental milestone. Today I played a chess game with him, and as usual I started by taking my queen off the board. Until today I have always beat him, but today he managed a draw. To quote Vinnie, the speed-chess dude in “Searching for Bobby Fischer,” “he’s using pieces to attack in combination.” His brain is just working a little differently these days. I would take him to the local chess club, but it would keep him up past his bedtime, and he doesn’t exactly know how to be quiet for long enough to play a game. Also he is small enough so that when he plays on a full size board at a table, it is a struggle to reach all of the pieces.

3. However, he has now officially outgrown his toddler clothing, and now wears pants that don’t have room for pull-ups. He is 7, so it is about time. He can’t get away with looking like a 4-year-old any more.

4. Here is a political observation, from Pennsylvania, the land where the political advertising will never end (at least until April 22, when we have our long overdue primary.)

John McCain just wants to be my president, for either 4 or 8 years. (I am guessing that if he wins he will serve one term and not run for re-election.) He is right about some things, and wrong about others, but there is a certain built-in modesty about what he thinks he can accomplish.

Meanwhile, Clinton and Obama both want to be my savior. At least that is the style of their appeal. If you join their side, it is like joining some great crusade for the forces of good. If you don’t, you are part of the forces of darkness.

Even if I agreed much more with the Democrats on policy, the Messiah-complex stuff would really turn me off.