Free Advice For Rudy Giuliani About Florida

I correctly predicted that Rudy Giuliani would have lots of trouble getting votes in places where cows live, but even I didn’t expect Ron Paul to beat him regularly, and have 3 times more delegates than him at this point.

Florida is do or die for Giuliani now, so here are some campaign slogans that may help him communicate his views, and  get back in the game among the Florida electorate.

THE ENVIRONMENT:  “Reduce greenhouse gas emissions:  Carry your own golf clubs.”

ABORTION:  “Vote pro-choice:  Because 1.3 grandchildren is enough.”

NATIONAL SECURITY: “Vote for me, and your daughters will be safe.  Some of them may even get Secret Service protection.”

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION:  “Deport all illegals now.  Because American workers should do American jobs.  Including cleaning your winter home.”


One thought on “Free Advice For Rudy Giuliani About Florida

  1. Measure the coffin for the guy now.
    I spent most of 2006 in Florida and my biggest surprise was to find the sheer volume of cows down there.
    They are beef, not dairy. There is no water, no grass, just brush to eat. They look mostly emaciated and some speak Spanish, as the whole state uses English as a third language.

    Do not expect to hear “moo”. It is too hot; too many bugs to tail swish; and the Spanish moo is tiresome and comes out
    “ahreebbah, ahreebbah, loco hombre”. Some do this to Guiliani already, tho most revert to Sicilian when mooing at Guiliani and his various wives.

    Wiki shows that the 2000 election fraud ballot known as the “Butterfly” ballot derived it’s name from Rudolf Guiliani flitting from wife to girlfriend to wife and back… a butterfly.

    His only hope is that Florida operates as a giant flea market where anything and everything is bought and sold; votes, women, sex, subprime mortgages, insurance, pretzels, and USA Today. The currency of choice is white powder out of Columbia and Mexico, tho gangs from Haiti are moving from East to West to North.

    True story. An illegal immigrant appeared on the FRONT Page of the Sarasota area paper and decried a lack of work. He bragged he was illegal; claimed his 20 workers were illegal; then, told the paper he was going to Texas as Florida had no work for anyone (Hooters notwithstanding). I looked at the picture and wondered how the paper can find 21 illegals, interview and picture them, and the police be clueless.

    The Florida environment would take a guest post it would have so much unbelievable in it. Suffice to say that developers are putting up BIG buildings from top to bottom of both east and west shorelines. The prevailing winds get pushed up high and dump rain inland where no people are (just some Russians with funny suitcases, Islamic flight instructors, and Spanish cows). No one else gets rain anymore. Fortunately, the state was built at 12 feet above sea level, so in the Chelsey Clinton administration, global warming should let the alligators float in the Gulf and the Atlantic. Too bad they are fresh water killers.

    Florida is experioencing a net outflow of people for the first time (2006) since the Fountain of youth was discovered. Everybody wants out. This offsets Tiger Woods and Don Trump plus assorted wives moving in.

    Manufacturing is up in the state as 357 Magnums are in vogue in Broward county as never before. You get one free with every teacher certificate.
    Federal marshals line the hallways of every school in case students decide to show up for a class.

    There is no local income tax in Florida.
    There is no state income tax in Florida.
    Giving a tax cut to people who pay no tax, and deal in a cash economy (they are lightyears ahead in the bartering department for when the whole country gets flushed down the economic drain soon) does not create flair.

    Wal Mart is building a new superstore every 80 feet to alleviate congestion as the average speed of a Florida geezer is 1/10 that of the average French snail trying to avoid the escargot plate.

    In the commodities market, votes are up this week and command a higher than average price. they beat pork bellies and Havana cigars every day. Do not short sell Florida votes, especially if you are near a suburban cemetary.

    God will help no candidate either. Have you noticed there is only lip service to him down there? It is hot everywhere in the state. it is hot as hell in hell. If the state is a portal to hell, I will make no argument aginst that truth.

    From Jacksonville thru the panhandle, hacksaw this state off the map and reduce the flag by one star. Make Florida a country of its own and let em flip houses to death, build 30 story condos in communities that have 95% unoccupied homes, and make the taco a national flower.

    It is getting so bad that manatees swim to nuclear plants to drink the poison water to lead a better life.

    Finally, there is a national speed trap by Gainesville named Waldo, Florida. You enter at 65mph; one block later is 55 mph; one more block is 45 moh; then a block later has a fruit stand and a 35 mph zone. You are now leaving Waldo. One block later is 45 mph; one more is 55mph; then comfortably go 65 mph again. Of course you went 30 mph over the speed limit at the fruit stand. (THIS IS A 4 LANE ROAD!)
    Florida will let you take a test online for that ticket and get a 30 % discount on your fine and no insurance hassle or points. This is good for 5 Waldo visits per lifetime (I am not making this up—check clerk of the court “Buddy Irby” for a full accounting of this luxury). The 30 % off is exactly the fee to take the test. You can do the test in an hour. They make you take 5 or 6 hours as a Florida special. If you finish correct and BEFORE time, you start all over. Remember how Cool Hand Luke shook the bushes while taking a leek and tied a string to shake it as he meandered away? Finish the test in 9 minuters, then, come back and wiggle your mouse until the clock strikes one and you become a pumpkin. They have no way of knowing you are mowing the lawn or watching the Giants.
    Do you really think Rudy knows any of this??? He is toast.

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