Worse Than Waterboarding

I got this brilliant idea while teaching the lovely and talented Miss Anna to drive.

One day, when Osama Bin Laden is captured, some nice fellows from the CIA will want to have a long chat with him. Most likely he won’t be very talkative, and then the folks from the CIA will not be so nice, and they will try to persuade him to talk. When some previous Al Quaeda people were captured, waterboarding was apparently used as a method of interrogation for the 3 people we most wanted to hear from. For Osama, I have a better idea.

Mr. Bin Laden should be put in a small bus with a few interrogators and his four wives. (Older daughters might be included if there is space for them.) The bus should be a well used one; perhaps a church bus with its logo still on would do well. It would have a bad muffler and squeaky brakes. Just to make it clear that his world is crumbling, the wives will be dressed in Western style clothing.

Careful psychological preparation will have been given to the wives beforehand, so that they will be in bad moods. Wife #1 will be told that Osama is preferring to spend time with Wife #4, etc. The prison hairstylist will make sure each of them has a bad hair day, and their clothing will out of style, and will just not fit quite right. If we are really cruel, the clothing can come from the Deseret Industries Thrift Shop. [That is where Napoleon Dynamite got his suit.]

The interrogators will drive the bus to a quiet location, and then Mr. Bin Laden will be tortured with the most cruel and stress inducing torture imaginable, one that the Geneva Convention does not even mention:

He will be forced to teach all four of his wives how to parallel park.

After a few hours of this, he will tell everything he knows about Al Quaeda operations, other terrorist operations, and perhaps even the location of Jimmy Hoffa. He will beg for the chance to renounce violence on the Al-Jazeera network. He will even offer to renounce Islam, and be publicly baptized just outside of Mecca, if only the punishment is ended.

Then the War on Terror will be over and we can leave Muslims to themselves, so that they can pursue the war on Valentine’s Day.

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2 thoughts on “Worse Than Waterboarding

  1. So they’re having a war on Valentine’s Day?

    That just leaves more chocolate for the rest of us.

    And after parking lessons, sometimes it can be in rather high demand. 😉

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