The U.S. Olympic Team’s Secret Weapon

This is from the Summer Olympics in 2004, but it’s still funny.

Spiderman Kicks Butt at Olympic Prelims

ST. PETERS, Mo.,—Spiderman advanced into the finals in nine events in the 2004 Olympic Team Trials at the St. Peters Trackplex.

“This is just humiliating,” said 100-meter record holder Tim Montgomery. “I feel so fat and groggy running next to Spiderman. I just can’t come close to his kick.”
Spiderman will enter the prelim finals in the 100m, 1500m, and marathon, as well as boxing, wrestling, gymnastics, pole vault, long jump, and triathlon.
“I am just so lame at swimming and archery,” said Spiderman. “Not to mention team sports. Though I was interested in team handball for a while.”
The International Olympic Committee strictly prohibited Spiderman from using any webbing excretions in any event, though he may use it afterwards in dorms and bars.
The IOC has received countless complaints against its June decision to allow the U.S. to include Spiderman on various teams. “We tested him vigorously for any banned substances, and nothing showed up. He’s a clean, clean boy, and he is very helpful with security.”
U.S. wrestling coach Kevin Jackson said, “It’s great to be going into the games with our opponents completely demoralized. It gives the whole team added bounce. We’re going to rip this place up. And I hear Spiderman’s good for security.”
Not all U.S. competitors are grateful for Spiderman’s presence. “He’s all, you know, married now,” said Tess Decker. Several U.S. athletes expressed concern about Spiderman’s penchant for abandoning the team when crime duty calls. “What if he just flings away during a tight race?”
From “Credenda/Agenda” magazine, volume 16, Issue 3

3 thoughts on “The U.S. Olympic Team’s Secret Weapon

  1. He was listed for the gymnastics team. Although without using his webs, he might find it difficult to land within bounds.

    But I assure you that Spider-man would NEVER do men’s synchronized diving.

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