Kids, I have news for you. Saint Nicholas has been slandered. Somehow, the gentle saint, who stretches the laws of physics every year to bring you Legos, candy canes, iPhones, and other good things, has been made into a stooge of the police state.
You know what I’m talking about. The list. The “naughty or nice” list. It’s bunk, slander, a vile lie propagated by the media elites, the FBI under the cross-dressing J. Edgar Hoover, Senator Joe McCarthy, and the Bush administration. Michelle Obama is probably in on this too.
I am not buying it any more. There is no “naughty” list. Or if it does exist, it is pretty short.
Think about it. Will Sarah Palin get stuff under her tree? Absolutely. And she shoots, field dresses, and eats caribou, on TV. What is a caribou? Just a wild reindeer. Any given caribou could be Rudolph’s 4th cousin Bubba. So if Sarah Palin is on the nice list, it’s not very selective.
If that isn’t enough to convince you, look at me. Every year, I have gotten good stuff in my stocking and under the tree. If there really was a “naughty and nice” list, I would not have a 44 year “nice” streak going. No way. You don’t know what I was like as a teenager. My mom thinks she knows, and she would probably put in a good word for me, but even she doesn’t know the whole story.
The truth is, Saint Nicholas is a marshmallow,a creampuff, and a softie. Get used to it. I’m not saying you can put a tack on teacher’s chair guilt-free, and I don’t recommend that you make Tommy eat a bug, but Santa won’t be the one to punish you for it.
Now even Santa has limits. For example, Kim Jong Il did not get a visit from Santa. That’s what happens when you shoot heat-seeking missiles at anything that violates your airspace. But if he stopped starving his people, stopped thinking he was a god, and showed a little humility, Santa would forgive, and maybe give him a toy light-saber or something. He’s like that.
The king of Saudi Arabia doesn’t get a visit either. Saint Nicholas and Saint Valentine talk to each other, and Santa heard about the King of Saudi Arabia letting his religious police outlaw Valentine’s Day. For an old fat guy, Santa is very pro-romance. Back in the day, he gave a dowry to 3 poor girls so they could marry. So he pretty much put the whole Arabian Peninsula on the “Naughty” list. His still visits there, to smuggle a few Bibles and have a short business meeting with the Three Wise Men. And the reindeer do use the king’s camel stables for a rest stop, leaving the stable-hands rather confused on Christmas Day.
But for most of you, the list isn’t a big deal. If you shoot your big sister with your new Nerf Dart Gun, Santa won’t hold it against you. Your parents, however, might have something to say, so you better watch out.