Basketball players trash talk. Football players trash talk. Boxers trash talk. So why not gardeners?
After 5 hours of weeding, watering, and planting, I have been in the sun way too long and I am ready to let some of my least favorite creatures know how I feel.
I asked my daughter if she thought I was a little bit crazy to be talking to the unwelcome flora and fauna in my garden, and she assured me that I was not a little bit crazy. So here is what I have to say to you garden pests:
Dear Mr. Ragweed, and your associates: You are going down. Actually, you are coming up.
I will uproot you and your family from your home among my corn, evict you from your residence near my cucumbers, and put you on a pile to dry. When you are sufficiently dead, I will compost you and feed you to my zucchini.
Mr. Squash Beetle:I realize that you are upset due to the death of 947 of your cousins this morning due to an unfortunate poisoning incident, and that you may even be considering legal action. You are probably wondering how these sorts of incidents may be avoided in the future, especially since you probably have several thousand unhatched young somewhere in my garden, and you wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to them, now, would you?
According to one Mr. Charles Darwin, species make changes in order to survive. While I don’t wholeheartedly endorse his views (for example, I do not believe that you could apply his theories to become a praying mantis), I suggest you take his advice to heart and make this one minor change to your lifestyle:
Learn to eat ragweed. Ragweed is more plentiful than squash, cucumbers, and pumpkins, so you will have lots of food. Besides, consider your reputation among gardeners. Right now, you are only a bit more popular than tomato worms, and you are less popular than groundhogs and severe hailstorms. If you make this one change to your diet, you will be almost as popular as ladybugs, praying mantises, and earthworms.
I see that you and your late relatives have been taking Michelle Obama’s advice to eat more vegetables. You are probably wondering why your cousins keep suddenly dying of acute subcutaneous lead poisoning. You might also wonder why you hear loud sounds and feel the wind from objects moving very rapidly past you. (Hint: that is a symptom that a fatal case of lead poisoning might happen to you soon.)
What Ms. Obama did not tell you is that, while vegetables are good for you, MY vegetables are very bad for you. You really need to try a dandelion salad. If you want to mix in some ragweed and sprinkle it with squash beetles as a garnish, that would be really good for your health.
In fact, if you stay away from my corn, peas, and bean sprouts, and adopt the diet mentioned above, I will put out a bowl of milk for you in the morning, and a bowl of beer at night. I will even put out a carrot once in a while. And I will try to talk my mom out of getting that pet ocelot.